The patron saint: Fernando Torres

So here he is, the reason we’re here: Fernando Torres.

Fernando Torres is ours, bitches

The golden blond hair, the freckles, the grin—he’s prettier than me by some distance. No wonder he was voted the Premier League player men would sleep with if they had to.

Back in the summer of 2008, when there were rumors that Chelsea would move for Torres, my brother said that his pitch would ‘just basically be about how this team needs a makeover and he has the perfect haircut to turn it around. Then I’d describe how if Terry had more hair he wouldn’t have fallen down in the mud in Russia.’ Now, two-and-a-half years later, the man with the best hair in the league, the man we call ‘Big Haircut’ has arrived.

Fernando, let’s do this thing.