HSPN: Hair & Sports Programming Network

A girl and her brother, on hair in football*
* Soccer, for our fellow Yanks

Roman Abramovich is: Teen Wolf

My brother and I enjoy talking about Roman Abramovich. He’s kind of like a Bond villain.

Here’s a photo of him from 1987, which we discussed back in 2009:

Roman Abramovich

Brother: Too bad Roman can’t read English, so he has no idea what that article is about. He probably thinks it’s about how a teen wolf took a girl to the prom and then they ended up in a boat.

Me: It would be awesome if Roman was secretly Teen Wolf. Someone should challenge him to a basketball game to find out.

Brother: I’m sure Roman is Teen Wolf, but he’s secretly good at other stuff, not basketball. Like I’m sure regular Roman is just a normal guy, but then when he turns into Roman Wolf, the dude is all about clapping at the right time, giving normal high fives, and selling black market goods and killing people.

Me: I’m pretty sure regular Roman sacked José and hired Skeletor and Mad Dog [Henk Ten Cate's self-proclaimed nickname] and then Roman Wolf bought José that Ferrari and then fired those two. Other things Roman Wolf can do: wear non-stonewashed jeans, wear a timepiece that’s not a plastic calculator watch from the 1980s, speak English.

Brother: I kind of feel like regular Roman is actually just super-drunk Roman and Roman Wolf is just a normal guy who is smart/crafty. If I was really drunk and could do whatever I want, there’s a small chance I’d fire my coach, put on a plastic watch, and speak in a heavy accent. Then he wakes up from a bender (having not shaved for a while) and it’s like Memento, he’s like, What the f did I do? He has to go to the newspaper and find out all the shit that happened and then spend a ton of money to fix all the problems (buy a real watch, Ferrari, etc).

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