HSPN: Hair & Sports Programming Network

More about Mitch

Brother: Due to the obvious clamor for more Mitch Power news, I have this new picture. Mitch Power’s favorite person is me, and he respects me. Also his favorite club is Chelsea. The only thing that should be changed is ‘Favoured Person’ should be FT.

Earlier adventures in Football Manager: prologue, one, two, photo follow-up, three, photo follow-up, four, five, six, seven, eight

That placenta thing

11/20/09:

Brother: I tried to avoid having to read about this with Van Persie, but come on, Lamps. Is the Milan Lab actually an elaborate way to gross me out by making me read these stories? Come on.

Me: This sounds like a trick the team would play on Joe Cole: ‘Yeah, Joe, why don’t you fly to Serbia and have horse placenta rubbed on your head? Do it. DO IT.’ But Lamps reportedly has the highest IQ on the team (which I’m going to guess is not hard). Come on, man.

5/12/12:

Me: I’m just hoping Luiz and Cahill make miraculous recoveries. You can tell Robbie does, too. He’s even calling up the placenta dude.

Brother: Who is the placenta guy’s biggest success? I hope he’s not showing a video of Lamps lumbering around to his clients.

Me: Apparently, Lamps walked out? But I guess the biggest success is RVP?

Secret magazine burns

Brother: FourFourTwo has an interview with Romeu this month. They asked him about hanging out with Mata and he said, ‘Sometimes we go out walking together. We go to Big Ben, places like that.’ That is so random. They go walking to places like Big Ben? Plus, what places are like Big Ben? The interviewer just let that go.

Me: I’m talking to Mom right now and I laughed into the phone at this. I actually have the issue [with the interview]. His next sentences are ‘I am 20 years old: I can’t stay at home all afternoon. I have to do something, whether that’s with my friends or with Juan.’ So Mata’s not your friend? Burn on Juan.

Brother: Ha ha. I totally missed that. The next line should be: ‘I go running with my fast teammates and Lamps.’ Maybe he’s the master of secret magazine put-downs.

The Avengers of Chelsea science officers

Oh, my brother just took it to another level.

Brother: If the plan was to promote RDM as interim, then just make AVB the assistant science officer. Our science officer team would be awesome with Carlo, AVB, Guus, and Jo Clubb.

Me: I love the idea of us being a science officer Super Friends: us, AVB, Carlo, Guus, Jo Clubb, plus we should get Ranieri and José. Or are we the Avengers?

Brother: Let’s see:

Super Friends (kind of the most classic Super Friends roster)

• Aquaman - Big Phil Scolari - doesn’t really fit.
• Batman - José - sneaky, a genius, people don’t like him, but accept him because he’s amazing.
• Superman - Guus - untouchable in the eyes of Chelsea fans.
• Wonder Woman - Jo Clubb - only female on the team. Has an invisible plane, which is what I’m guessing a science officer really flies in (I have no idea what a science officer does).
• Wonder Twins - us - oh yeah, there’s two of them, they are siblings. I’m awesome at this.
• Flash - AVB - fit, quick, died/got fired too early.
• Green Lantern - Ranieri - got called ‘the Tinkerman’ because he kept changing his lineup too much; I can see Green Lantern doing this with all his ridiculous green things he makes.
• Hawkman - Avram Grant - no one likes Hawkman.

Avengers (original roster + classic members)

• Captain America - Guus - untouchable in the eyes of Chelsea fans.
• Iron Man - José - a genius, figured out a way to be better than everyone else without true powers, manipulative, has an awesome suit.
• Hulk - Big Phil! - Hulk smash. Big Phil smash.
• Hawkeye - Ranieri - he was there to set everything up, but isn’t as awesome as other people and doesn’t get any credit.
• Wasp - Jo Clubb - the only female. Of course, this means that she was married to:
• Ant-Man - Avram Grant - no one likes Ant-Man.
• Quicksilver/Scarlet Witch - us - brother and sister.
• Vision - AVB - robotic, the Vision probably has some master plan too.

That wasn’t that hard. I’d say Avengers is better: Avram is the easiest, plus Big Phil is the Hulk. Let me tell everyone on HSPN that, yes, I picked the Wonder Twins, and, yes, they can go screw themselves.

Me: If it was just Big Phil as Hulk, that would be amazing. But this is REALLY fucking amazing. Does this make Roman Loki? I have to admit, I’ve only seen Iron Man, so I don’t know.

Brother: Hmm…in terms of the Avengers, Roman has three options I can think of:

1. Loki - tricks the Hulk into destroying a train, forces the Avengers to assemble. It works because he got everyone together and had Big Phil smash something.
2. Jarvis, the Avengers’ butler - he’s always there; you just know that Jarvis can probably kill you, but doesn’t, he just works around a bunch of killers. Of course, he’s the manservant to the Starks, and I would never jokingly call Roman anyone’s manservant, not even online.
3. Nick Fury - definitely killed people, secretive, but in charge of everything. I can see Roman having an eye patch. I think he fits best.

Super Friends (I don’t really remember that much about this show):

1. Lex Luthor - probably their greatest enemy, a genius, and he’s really rich. Definitely a killer.

Me: Jarvis = Hench, but he’s no one’s manservant, either. Also: HA. I GET TO HOOK UP WITH AVB. AND YOU GET TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT, À LA QUICKSILVER.

No Bolton, no Bogdan

Full time:

Me: Also, Bolton are out. I’m sad; I’m going to miss Owen Coyle’s awesome teeth and his shorts.

Later:

Me: The fact that [QPR] stayed up is the worst. I feel awful for Bolton. OH MAN, I JUST REALIZED NO BOGDAN. NOOOOO.

GQ that.

Roberto Di Matteo, a GQ vision in a sweater.

Big Haircut & the Little Haircuts

Fernando Torres with his two children, Nora and Leo.