HSPN: Hair & Sports Programming Network

A girl and her brother, on hair in football*
* Soccer, for our fellow Yanks

The winner is clearly England

Radamel Falcao, 1 September 2014

Earlier:

Brother: Apparently, United are paying all of Falcao's wages. That's insane. You should look at how much he was making. I hope he's a bust when they are forced to buy him, then they get weighed down by a contract that's even crazier than FT's.
Me: Jesus, £12 million/year. This deal makes even less sense now. That’s a pretty good wage for an unfrozen caveman lawyer.
Brother: The crazy thing is that he was TAX FREE in Monaco. He was making that wage without any taxes. Imagine the wage that Zlatan makes with France’s crazy taxes, and then Falcao was making more without taxes. Man, he’s going to be so bummed moving from Monaco to freaking Manchester and now he has to pay taxes.
Me: Actually, Man U will probably have to pay it, because a lot of clubs pay their players’ salary taxes as part of their contracts. And I bet that was the dealmaker, because otherwise why would he go to a club not in Europe this year? This deal is looking worse every minute.

Later:

Me: Dang.
Brother: That’s like 1.5 million American dollars per week on three dudes. Holy shit.

After:

Brother: People on Reddit saying £346/week pre taxes, £180/week after. The winner is clearly England, which is making a lot on this transfer per week.

Brana vs. Baines

Leighton Baines & Branislav Ivanovic, 30 August 2014

Brother: Brana vs. Baines is a good matchup. Two guys who want to attack. Two guys who look like they could be from a 1970s cop show. Brana would, of course, be the Serbian bad guy.

Me: I would watch the ever-loving shit out of that show.

Chelsea Transfer News- Paul Pogba to Chelsea?

Brother: This article was created purely to get me to click. Count the number of times that he is actually mentioned in the article.

Later:

Brother: I still can’t tell what’s happening with Welbeck, but apparently there have been almost 300K tweets about it. Who gives a shit? Just wait until Pogba comes to Chelsea at the last second.
Me: If Pogba comes to Chelsea at the last second, you’ll tweet 300K times ON YOUR OWN.
Brother: It will just be a bunch of ‘I told you so’ tweets.

Celebrating his return

Diego Costa scores, 1st minute:

Brother: HOLY SHIT. THAT WAS AWESOME.
Me: You wouldn’t have guessed by Rui's reaction.
Brother: Is this his first game back?
Me: Must be. I definitely did not see him last week.

Tim Howard handles outside of the box, 8th minute:

Brother: That wasn’t even close on the replay. It was obvious live and more obvious on replay.
Me: I feel like this linesman is deliberately testing Rui.

Still 3-5, 88th minute:

Brother: Rui is having the best day. Eight goals have been scored to celebrate his return.

Awesome player site: Loic Remy

Brother: Go to Loïc Rémy's website. It’s pretty awesome.

Me: That’s a surprisingly awesome site. It’s all Daft Punk. I hope you play as well as your site is cool, dude.

Brother: I bet he’s just updating the site all day when he’s riding the bench. I bet he also needs money just to fund the site.

Saving a life

Roman Abramovich, 28 February 2009

Yesterday:

Brother: I wish today’s game was at home in front of Roman. I bet he would have absolutely loved this goal fest. It may even have saved a person’s life after the match.

Me: I imagine every home game is like a gladiator battle, where Roman decides whether or not to spare the life of someone on the pitch.

Bonus hilarious video: Nemanja Matic gives a post-match interview.

The best part is that Matic is barely audible, probably because Neil Barnett can’t lift the mic high enough to get close to his mouth. You know the cameraman is holding the camera well over his head and praying it’s pointing in the vicinity of Matic’s face.

Bonus awesome photo: Ramires scores the fifth goal against Everton.
Me: THIS MATCH IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE.Brother: EAT THAT ASSHOLES.

Bonus awesome photo: Ramires scores the fifth goal against Everton.

Me: THIS MATCH IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE.
Brother: EAT THAT ASSHOLES.

(Source: zimbio.com)