HSPN: Hair & Sports Programming Network

A girl and her brother, on hair in football*
* Soccer, for our fellow Yanks

Guarding the whole left flank

Brother: Haha. He’s guarding the whole team’s left flank.

Me: That’s how you know he’s a world-class left-back. He just can’t stop guarding the left flank.

In-house TV fail

I made fun of Chelsea TV for their typos, but that was nothing compared to this ‘effort’ from Manchester United’s own TV channel (via @RichJLaverty):

Me: Ha ha ha. Though Mata should be totally insulted.

Brother: They should have put up all pictures of Adnan. We wouldn’t have seen the mistake.

Worst train conductors ever

Paul Pogba, 25 June 2014

Brother: Pogba's agent said they haven't signed a renewal yet and he hasn’t met with the club yet. Train starting to fuel back up.

Me: Damn, Pogba and his agent need to make up their minds whether the train is going or stopping. Worst train conductors ever.

Babysitting

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Brother: You just know that his feet are kicking the chair of the dude in front of him. That’s exactly the guy he is.

Me: I know almost nothing about him, but I could see him doing it because he’s like a little kid, not because he’s malicious. He probably keeps hitting the call button, too, because he can’t stop touching everything. We probably bought Luís to babysit him. It just so happens that he’s a good left-back.

Brother: I see Luís as the new Ricardo Carvalho. Both are tactically great, great at tackling, and seem like good dudes. Carvalho had JT, Luís has Costa.

Me: That’s funny—I was thinking about Riccy and Luís, too. Mostly because Riccy had almost that exact hairstyle when he arrived, but eventually (and thankfully) cut it. Maybe Luís will be persuaded to do the same. But probably after Costa takes a pair of shears to it while Luís is sleeping on the plane.

#askjesus

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Brother: Hey, idiots, how about #asknavas? This is a fine way to get no real questions.

Me: Some possible questions:

  • Did you die for our sins? #askjesus
  • What would you do? #askjesus
  • What does the ‘H' stand for in your middle name? #askjesus
  • Could your dad make a taco so big even he couldn’t eat it? #askjesus

Brother: Is Zlatan better than you? #askjesus

Me: Zlatan probably has been answering any question that comes under the #askjesus hashtag for years.

Options for captain

Sergio Ramos & Diego Costa, 12 June 2014

(I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU!)

Me: CTV talking right now about who will be captain after JT leaves; they think Cahill, which would be a great choice. Probably the only choice, given that he’s the only major player who’s pretty much guaranteed to start.

Brother: Worst captain: Bud. He would be complaining in the pre-match coin toss.

Me: He’d be the only captain who could get booked before the match started. Even JT knows better than that. Second worst captain: Costa. He’d be pestering the ref during the entire toss: trying to climb the ref, hanging off his arm, putting tape on his legs, and asking WHAT DOES THIS DO, REF? WHAT ABOUT THIS? CAN I HAVE THE CARDS WHEN YOU’RE DONE? CAN I DO THE TOSS? HOW LOUD IS THAT WHISTLE? HA HA, THAT’S LOUD. THIS ARMBAND ITCHES. DID YOU KNOW I’M FROM BRAZIL? THAT’S FAR AWAY. CAN I SHAKE YOUR HAND NOW?