HSPN: Hair & Sports Programming Network

A girl and her brother, on hair in football*.
* Soccer, for our fellow Yanks.

Holland watch: Atletico Madrid

image

2nd minute: HOLLAND as José shakes his finger at the players.

image

12th minute: Holland, as José squats down with his back to the action.

image

image

Petr Cech gets injured, 15th minute: Holland is ear-piecing it.

image

27th minute: Louro is either keeping warm or losing his shit. Are the assistants taking turns doing this? If so, when can Holland go? Instead, he’s just sitting there calmly.

image

32nd minute: Holland.

image

40th minute: Holland.

image

2nd half kick-off: Holland. Also, The Book, reverently placed in front of him.

image

David Luiz gets injured, 50th minute: Holland on the radio, with José sitting glumly on the edge of the dugout.

image

65th minute: Ref pointing to his watch again for our throw-in. This guy. Holland is unimpressed.

image

John Terry gets injured, 71st minute: Holland is talking to José about it.

image

72nd minute: José and Holland talking with The Book.

Previous entries: West Ham, Basel, Southampton, Sunderland, Stoke, Steaua Bucharest, Crystal Palace, Arsenal, Swansea, Liverpool, Southampton, Derby County, Hull, Manchester United, Stoke, West Ham, Manchester City, Newcastle, West Bromwich Albion, Manchester City (FA Cup), Everton, Galatasaray, Fulham, Tottenham Hotspur, Aston Villa, Galatasaray, Arsenal, Crystal Palace, PSG, Stoke, PSG, Swansea, Sunderland

Braided mohawk

17th minute:

Brother: What the hell is going on with Mikel's hair?
Me: I know. Mikel's hair = Janelle Monáe?
Brother: He’s been spending too much time on the bench with Ash.
Me: They did the exact reverse of the other: one grew out his beard, the other did quite a hairdo.

31st minute:

Me: Mikel: A braided mohawk. Okay, that’s awesome.

The next United manager (based on past experience)

David Moyes, 20 April 2014

Me: Man, that’s ice-cold about Moyes. That said, Man U are so dumb for waiting until now.

Brother: They should have waited until 2016.

Me: They should’ve waited until they knew Avram Grant had a job already.

Brother: I still say they should go for Rafa.

Me: For Fergie's reaction alone, that would be priceless.

Brother: Based on past experience, the next United manager will be Groundskeeper Willie.

Me: THAT WOULD BE THE BEST.

  • First presser: My first act [as manager] will be to kill you all and burn your town to cinders! (PR flack tells him the mic is on.) I know it’s on!
  • Training: Don’t be reading my mind between 4 and 5. That’s Willie’s time.
  • Playing French teams: Bonjour, ye cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!
  • Watching a pitch invasion: Och! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let’s take them to school! (Joins in.)

Holland watch: Sunderland

image

6th minute:

Me: Tiny glimpse of Holland there. I hope he does the post-match.

image

Samuel Eto’o scores, 12th minute:

Me: JOSÉ LIKED THAT. Holland was slightly impressed.

image

Mohamed Salah comes out for André Schürrle, 66th minute:

Me: Holland and The Book send Surely on.

image

68th minute:

Me: Holland clearly saying WHAT WAS HE DOING to José.

image

73rd minute:

Brother: Game over, FT and The Book.

Rui Faria launches his epic meltdown, 83rd minute:

Holland knows shit is about to go down. (As does half the bench.)

90th minute:

Holland takes Faria’s vacated seat.

Previous entries: West Ham, Basel, Southampton, Sunderland, Stoke, Steaua Bucharest, Crystal Palace, Arsenal, Swansea, Liverpool, Southampton, Derby County, Hull, Manchester United, Stoke, West Ham, Manchester City, Newcastle, West Bromwich Albion, Manchester City (FA Cup), Everton, Galatasaray, Fulham, Tottenham Hotspur, Aston Villa, Galatasaray, Arsenal, Crystal Palace, PSG, Stoke, PSG, Swansea

Name on a brick

Me: Ha ha, literally just got sent this.

Brother: I say do it, if only to get your name on a brick.

Me: I’m going to tell them my name is Mario Balotelli.

Brother: It will go next to the brick that belongs to Super.

Of Hulk, Hoosiers, & Back to the Future

image

On Rui Faria’s epic, shit-losing, Hulked-out meltdown:

Brother: My initial thought was that José made him do it. That’s what it looked like live. The other possibility is that he’s Shooter from Hoosiers.

Me: If he was basically drunk all the time except when on the bench (because José told him he had to dry up around the players), that would explain a lot.

Brother: When we win the CL, Rui will be listening to the game from a hospital.

Me: I’m trying to decide whose father he should be. Oscar.

Brother: The only thing that [Shooter’s] kid did in the movie that I remember was get him out of shock to start coaching once Dale got intentionally thrown out. I could see Cahill doing that.

Me: Plus, Cahill looks like someone from 1950s Indiana.

Brother: I would love to put actual David Luiz in 1950s Indiana.

Me: It would be kind of like Back to the Future, but more tongues and the guitar-playing scene would be even crazier.

Brother: I think actually the whole time would be like when he’s freaking out playing the guitar and everyone is staring at him.

Me: My favorite part of this scenario is that Doc Brown would think HIS hair is weird.

Brother: They would be the best duo. A crazy dude with weird hair and Doc Brown. See what I did there?

Rui watch: Sunderland

Saturday:

Me: I wish they would send Rui out for the official post-match.
Brother: Rui is an HSPN reader and is pissed about Steve Holland. You win this week, Rui. I think it’s Rui Watch this week.

image

(Note the reactions of the bench and also Brana coming over to watch.)

83rd minute:

Brother: HAHA. RUI?

Me: OH SHIT. I thought it was awesome enough that Holland was throwing Dowd shade, but, man, Faria got dragged off.