Brother: Hahaha. He’s the best.
Me: Ha ha, totally. I saw this photo yesterday and was surprised José was still alive after that. I was hoping, though, that he poked Roy so Roy would think it was Lambert and would scream I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TOUCH ME LAMBERT before punching him in the face.
Brother: That’s like that .gif where he throws something and then he hides and it looks like Rui did it.
@TKCorporateClub tweeted that they were our new shirt sponsor, a tweet that’s been since taken down:
Me: That’s so weird. Don’t we already have an airline sponsor in Delta? Granted, Delta is one of the two worst fucking airlines I’ve ever flown (the other being Air Canada).
Me: Yeah, I’m sure they’re regretting that decision right now.
Brother: I offered to renew my Chelsea magazine subscription.
Me: They may not have understood your offer because you didn’t describe it as a ‘Kalas' offer.
Brother: I hope that they don’t put a red logo on the kit. I’m against any red on the kit.
Me: I know. I’ve never liked sponsor names on shirts as a general rule anyway, but the Samsung one was as probably as good as it got, aesthetically speaking: just one color, one word, unfussy design.
Brother: If tomorrow Chelsea says we are signing this deal to get Pogba, I will be on board.
Brother: Seriously, Cesc is always looking for Brana.
Me: Holland needs to show Cesc the place in The Book where it says ‘Your dangerous partner is Costa.’
Brother: I think Cesc has a fantasy team of eleven Branas.
Me: Game: Unable to save formation. Cesc: I SAID SAVE.
Fabregas shoots wide, 31st minute:
Brother: It’s weird that Cesc doesn’t take that shot more. There’s been a few times where he’s been about there and he has just looked for Brana instead.
Me: I swear we had possession there without advancing for like two minutes.
Brother: This is the whole reason why we bought Fabregas: to deal with this shit. Wake up and stop passing to Brana. PICK SOMEONE ELSE UP ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM ASSHOLE.
Me: AT LEAST PICK YOURSELF, CESC.
Fabregas booked, 58th minute:
Me: God damn it, Cesc. Between you and Diego, you’re killing my fantasy game today.
Brother: Cesc: At least you have two players; I have one guy x eleven.
Me: I want to be in a private league with Cesc. Cesc: How are you beating me every week?
Costa scores, 59th minute:
Me: Bet it’s because I complained about fantasy.
Brother: Haha, Rooney just got a red as well.
Me: THANK GOD. I just sold him last night and I was mad that he scored, but this more than makes up for it. Hey, Bertrand scored for Soton! Against QPR! Wow, this is a GREAT fantasy day.
Brother: Cesc: I hate you.
Me: Cesc: I still don’t understand how you were able to pick eleven players.
Brother: If Brana scores, then Cesc gets eleven goals.
Me: Yeah, but I have…well, okay, I have THREE, but…SHUT UP CESC.
Guardian: This time, they held out but there were some hairy moments after Wayne Rooney’s sending off….
Me: Because he’s balding, get it?!
Me: Oh god, I hope that he really does have a ‘Wayne Rooney + hair' Google alert.